Who’s in it?
Harrison Ford, a freshly groomed Chewbacca, a rotten trout, some newbies, and…erm…Oliver Reed…? No Ewoks though, very disappointingly.
In a nutsack
Luke Skywalker has disappeared and people are trying to find him. Actually it’s just a droid/robot that’s trying to find him because all the other humans in his life gave up on him after he took loads of cocaine and became a complete fucking bellend following the success of the first set of Star Wars films. Anyway, there’s some stuff which happens which is all remarkably similar to the original Star Wars, and then they find him and realise he’s actually transformed in to Oliver Reed. Wonderful stuff!
‘Alright you cunts! Who knows where the bar is? I’m fucking gasping’, Oliver Reed makes a welcome return to mainstream cinema following his death on the set of Gladiator.
First of all I am no Star Wars fanboy but I absolutely love Ewoks, and the Ewok Village in particular. I had the Ewok Village Star Wars toy when I was a kid and it was simply great. I put it under the Xmas tree instead of a manger, just because the Ewoks seemed like they would have more fun than Jesus and a donkey would. If Return of the Jedi has taught us anything it’s that Ewoks really know how to party, and there was always a good vibe about that village. Great music, great food, organic beer, slags. It was also really laid back, not pretentious like some bars are nowadays. Even though they all have massive beards it never felt too hipster or Shoreditch wankerish. I also loved the Ewoks film from the 80’s – Caravan of Courage – simply a tour de force in film making and I recommend it to anyone that hasn’t seen it yet. It’s on a par with The Green Mile in my opinion – an emotional roller coaster that has you on the edge of your seat from the first minute to the last. Anyway there’s no Ewoks in this film and I’ve gone completely off the subject.
Returning to The Force Awakens, one thing which stands out for me is the complete lack of originality in the plot. It’s all too common now with modern cinema, but I would have much preferred to have seen the series re-booted in some way like James Bond or Batman, rather than the patronising nostalgia which is simply aimed at pedaling horseshit to the docile masses via Disney Land. Why do all bad guys in Star Wars have to wear BMX masks and have a James Earl Jones voice? It’s just not intimidating or fearsome and makes you crave for something different, like when you’ve eaten a slice of Dominos and realise you should have baked it yourself rather than waste £16.99 on a piece of shit. Is Darth Vadar scarier than George Osborne? Nope. When the Darth Vadar wannabe actually removes his mask what is revealed is someone who looks like they would be an active shooter in an American High School gun-tragedy-scenario, which is far more disturbing. Did anyone else not think that his light saber, which two little bits sticking out on the hand-hold, is a little bit of a hazard? He’s probably got some really nasty burns on his hand which would make masturbation extremely painful and this is probably helping to fuel his anger and frustration towards the world. In my opinion this whole situation could have been completely avoided by changing his light saber to a more basic model. It could still have been red in colour, illustrating that he has some deep-rooted darkness inside of him/likes the devil/watches animal porn etc., but it would have been infinitely less painful to hold on to.
Another problem with these films is that I have little or no empathy for the Rebellion since they are all portrayed so generically and blandly, that you can only hope for their complete and utter destruction at the hands of the Darkside. Storm Troopers, on the other hand, are shown to have real human qualities, often finding themselves in the middle of committing mass genocide and deciding to break free from the Empire to follow their dreams as poets/farmers/good all-round eggs.
Anyway, I’ve always preferred Tie Fighters to X-Wings. X-Wings look like they need to be constantly cleaned, a bit like having a white coloured car whilst living in the city. ‘Sorry I can’t help out fighting the forces of darkness today I need to put some turtle wax on my X-Wing which is fucking minging again. I might be there tomorrow, I just don’t want it to look shit whilst I’m flying around and stuff.’
Princess Leia looks like a rotten trout who has nailed a load of beak after Han Solo left her for some floozy lawyer. Han’s can’t remember how to fly anymore after crashing his fixed-wing plane on top of a farm building after arguing with Calista Flockhart over the last piece of broccoli.
I can’t really remember what happens in this film other than Han Solo dying. I think there’s like a fight in the woods at the end but I’m not even sure what happens to the bad guy as I was eating cheese and crackers and concentrating on the amount of chutney applied to each individual cracker for an optimum taste sensation.
Chewy has gone fucking soft. In the old films if anyone else had nicked the Millennium Falcon he would have ripped them arm from arm. Now he’s just some kind of white knight pussy with no respect for himself and would be better placed in Crufts.
Any dinosaurs or tittay?
Why do people trust J. J. Abrams to make feature films? He made a TV series that pretty much everyone in the entire world gave up on after they realised that there weren’t going to be any dinosaurs on that stupid island. Nobody really knows the end of Lost because, let’s be fucking honest, nobody gave a shit after Season 1. He also made the remake of Star Trek into a Transformers film which I’m pretty sure only Michael Bay was pleased about. I shouldn’t really mention Star Trek in a Star Wars movie review should I? Star Trek, Star Trek, STAR TREK! Alas there are no tits in this film. There’s a little orange creature who my friend found very attractive, sick little puppy that he is. Spaceballs. John Candy.
I liked Star Wars Episodes 1 to 3, will I like this?
Yes…because you are probably very easily pleased, like a Tory politician head-fucking a dead pig in a room filled with children.
What’s the best bit?
Erm, the bit where Han Solo dies after he gets brutally murdered by his own son. (WARNING – Spoiler alert)
What’s the score?
48/100 – It’s okay I guess, certainly not as bad as the previous three films which were truly fucking awful in every aspect, like an episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys or drinking Bear Grylls’ steaming hot piss from a hand-crafted mug in the midst of a Siberian winter. There are certainly much better Sci-Fi of recent times that I can think of that completely trump this (The Martian being one), whether you are a Star Wars fanboy or not. The Martian is really excellent even though Matt Damon looks like a sea turtle that has recently lost his entire family to a BP oil spillage.
My advice would be not to waste your money here, and buy some Star Wars Lego instead. You’ll have far more fun building the Lego than you will watching this, and you can make up your own stories afterwards and play out scenarios which have a deeper plot line, like Chewbacca having an illegitimate love affair with a crack addicted Princess Leia then passing away from AIDS before they can be married in the Ewok Village on Endor. That’s the beauty of Lego…the possibilities are endless!