Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Who’s in it?

Harrison Ford, a freshly groomed Chewbacca, a rotten trout, some newbies, and…erm…Oliver Reed…? No Ewoks though, very disappointingly.

In a nutsack

Luke Skywalker has disappeared and people are trying to find him. Actually it’s just a droid/robot that’s trying to find him because all the other humans in his life gave up on him after he took loads of cocaine and became a complete fucking bellend following the success of the first set of Star Wars films. Anyway, there’s some stuff which happens which is all remarkably similar to the original Star Wars, and then they find him and realise he’s actually transformed in to Oliver Reed. Wonderful stuff!

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‘Alright you cunts! Who knows where the bar is? I’m fucking gasping’, Oliver Reed makes a welcome return to mainstream cinema following his death on the set of Gladiator.

Review

First of all I am no Star Wars fanboy but I absolutely love Ewoks, and the Ewok Village in particular. I had the Ewok Village Star Wars toy when I was a kid and it was simply great. I put it under the Xmas tree instead of a manger, just because the Ewoks seemed like they would have more fun than Jesus and a donkey would. If Return of the Jedi has taught us anything it’s that Ewoks really know how to party, and there was always a good vibe about that village. Great music, great food, organic beer, slags. It was also really laid back, not pretentious like some bars are nowadays. Even though they all have massive beards it never felt too hipster or Shoreditch wankerish. I also loved the Ewoks film from the 80’s – Caravan of Courage – simply a tour de force in film making and I recommend it to anyone that hasn’t seen it yet. It’s on a par with The Green Mile in my opinion – an emotional roller coaster that has you on the edge of your seat from the first minute to the last. Anyway there’s no Ewoks in this film and I’ve gone completely off the subject.

Returning to The Force Awakens, one thing which stands out for me is the complete lack of originality in the plot. It’s all too common now with modern cinema, but I would have much preferred to have seen the series re-booted in some way like James Bond or Batman, rather than the patronising nostalgia which is simply aimed at pedaling horseshit to the docile masses via Disney Land. Why do all bad guys in Star Wars have to wear BMX masks and have a James Earl Jones voice? It’s just not intimidating or fearsome and makes you crave for something different, like when you’ve eaten a slice of Dominos and realise you should have baked it yourself rather than waste £16.99 on a piece of shit. Is Darth Vadar scarier than George Osborne? Nope. When the Darth Vadar wannabe actually removes his mask what is revealed is someone who looks like they would be an active shooter in an American High School gun-tragedy-scenario, which is far more disturbing. Did anyone else not think that his light saber, which two little bits sticking out on the hand-hold, is a little bit of a hazard? He’s probably got some really nasty burns on his hand which would make masturbation extremely painful and this is probably helping to fuel his anger and frustration towards the world. In my opinion this whole situation could have been completely avoided by changing his light saber to a more basic model. It could still have been red in colour, illustrating that he has some deep-rooted darkness inside of him/likes the devil/watches animal porn etc., but it would have been infinitely less painful to hold on to.

Another problem with these films is that I have little or no empathy for the Rebellion since they are all portrayed so generically and blandly, that you can only hope for their complete and utter destruction at the hands of the Darkside. Storm Troopers, on the other hand, are shown to have real human qualities, often finding themselves in the middle of committing mass genocide and deciding to break free from the Empire to follow their dreams as poets/farmers/good all-round eggs.

Anyway, I’ve always preferred Tie Fighters to X-Wings. X-Wings look like they need to be constantly cleaned, a bit like having a white coloured car whilst living in the city. ‘Sorry I can’t help out fighting the forces of darkness today I need to put some turtle wax on my X-Wing which is fucking minging again. I might be there tomorrow, I just don’t want it to look shit whilst I’m flying around and stuff.’

Princess Leia looks like a rotten trout who has nailed a load of beak after Han Solo left her for some floozy lawyer. Han’s can’t remember how to fly anymore after crashing his fixed-wing plane on top of a farm building after arguing with Calista Flockhart over the last piece of broccoli.

I can’t really remember what happens in this film other than Han Solo dying. I think there’s like a fight in the woods at the end but I’m not even sure what happens to the bad guy as I was eating cheese and crackers and concentrating on the amount of chutney applied to each individual cracker for an optimum taste sensation.

Chewy has gone fucking soft. In the old films if anyone else had nicked the Millennium Falcon he would have ripped them arm from arm. Now he’s just some kind of white knight pussy with no respect for himself and would be better placed in Crufts.

The End.

Any dinosaurs or tittay?

Why do people trust J. J.  Abrams to make feature films? He made a TV series that pretty much everyone in the entire world gave up on after they realised that there weren’t going to be any dinosaurs on that stupid island. Nobody really knows the end of Lost because, let’s be fucking honest, nobody gave a shit after Season 1. He also made the remake of Star Trek into a Transformers film which I’m pretty sure only Michael Bay was pleased about. I shouldn’t really mention Star Trek in a Star Wars movie review should I? Star Trek, Star Trek, STAR TREK! Alas there are no tits in this film. There’s a little orange creature who my friend found very attractive, sick little puppy that he is. Spaceballs. John Candy.

I liked Star Wars Episodes 1 to 3, will I like this?

Yes…because you are probably very easily pleased, like a Tory politician head-fucking a dead pig in a room filled with children.

What’s the best bit?

Erm, the bit where Han Solo dies after he gets brutally murdered by his own son. (WARNING – Spoiler alert)

What’s the score?

48/100 – It’s okay I guess, certainly not as bad as the previous three films which were truly fucking awful in every aspect, like an episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys or drinking Bear Grylls’ steaming hot piss from a hand-crafted mug in the midst of a Siberian winter. There are certainly much better Sci-Fi of recent times that I can think of that completely trump this (The Martian being one), whether you are a Star Wars fanboy or not. The Martian is really excellent even though Matt Damon looks like a sea turtle that has recently lost his entire family to a BP oil spillage.

My advice would be not to waste your money here, and buy some Star Wars Lego instead. You’ll have far more fun building the Lego than you will watching this, and you can make up your own stories afterwards and play out scenarios which have a deeper plot line, like Chewbacca having an illegitimate love affair with a crack addicted Princess Leia then passing away from AIDS before they can be married in the Ewok Village on Endor. That’s the beauty of Lego…the possibilities are endless!

 

Jurassic World – Review

 Who’s in it?

Chris Pratt and dinosaurs

In a nutsack

It’s been 20 years since Isla Nublar was vacated in the wake of people being eaten by dinosaurs after Dennis Nedry fucked it up for everyone in the world by being a fat, greedy, gelatinous cunt. Well done Dennis. Fortunately John Hammond had the good sense to leave the keys to Jurassic Park to a famous Bollywood actor who uses his amazing acting abilities to turn it into Jurassic World. It’s a bit like Disney World compared to Disney Land. One is shit, and the other one is fucking miles away. Anyway there’s a big genetically engineered dinosaur who causes havoc but dies in the end and everything is okay.

  
‘Lads, lads, lads chill. They said there’ll be cash available to withdraw and we’ve still got the fucking Parthenon’, Chris Pratt remonstrates with the velociraptors over the Greek financial crisis. 

Review

The genetically engineered dinosaur, ‘Iconosaurus’ or something, is made of frogs, a t-Rex, a chameleon, a snake, some velociraptor, cheese strings and a Greggs pasty, which means it’s a formidable creature. Despite the fact that it is able to camouflage itself, I’m still struggling with how you’d not be able to see a 60ft dinosaur hiding behind a tree unless you had aspergers and you were calling your nan a cunt or something and not really paying attention. The big genetic dinosaur dies at the end after it is eaten by a Mosasaur (Warning: Spoiler Alert). I don’t know how they managed to make a Mosasaur since it’s highly unlikely it would have been bitten by a mosquito as it lives in the fucking sea, you see! Also, that Professor Wu turned out to be really evil. In the first film I had him down as a genuine and clever bloke that was simply trying to advance science and cure cancer by making dinosaurs. Turns out he was just in it for himself all along. Loads of people are like that. Patrick Dempsey from ‘Step by Step’ is like that. Anyway, Wimbledon is on and I’m bored now.

Any dinosaurs or tittay?

There are dinosaurs. Many of them. But no tits, and the film scores poorly in that regard. I don’t know who the lead actress is. She’s quite hot. I thought it might be Gemma Arteton but couldn’t be bothered to look it up. Does anyone know? Does anyone care? I don’t know.

I liked ‘Tron: Legacy’, will I like this?

You like Tron: Legacy, huh? Dick.

What’s the best bit?

Although there are loads of dinosaurs to admire, I quite like the way the teenage kid just wants to stick a load of girls whilst he’s in a theme park full of dinosaurs. ‘Jesus, there’s a Dilophosaurus! But look at the ass on that!’ Thug life to him, amen.

What’s the score?

99/100 – I was really impressed with how they’ve rebooted the series and Chris Pratt is probably one of the more likeable leading actors in Hollywood right now that isn’t also an egotistical prick like that Ironman guy. The dinosaurs are great but it lacks the ‘hairs on the back of your neck’ moment which you felt as a kid when you saw Laura Dern see a Brachiosaurus for the first time then do a wee in her pants. 

If you go and see this, then take your nan she’ll fucking love it I promise. Nan’s love dinosaurs. 
RIP John Hammond, you devilish little cunt you.

Good Kill Review

Who’s in it?
Ethan Hawke, some other people, an Xbox.

In a nutsack
Frustrated pilot and babbling idiot Ethan Hawke makes a living blowing people up using a drone from the comfort of a bunker in Las Vegas. He dreams of getting back inside a actual plane and experiencing real combat, but fucks it up by shooting up a rapist. He then drives off in his awesomely cool ‘I am a pilot I’ll have you know’ style sports car at the end and his wife leaves him for being a miserable dick. We’ve all been there. Essentially he’s a really nice guy who is a bit crap at life. He also wears a pilot jacket even though he essentially plays computer games all day and he’s like 50 or something – ultra nooooob!

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I couldn’t find any decent pictures to use for this film so here is a picture of Val Kilmer eating a pizza, the gelatinous twat.

Review
This film is apparently based on real life events. Just because something is based on real life events doesn’t mean it will be interesting. I once baked a potato and that was a real life event. The fact that nobody then offered to make a feature film of my real life potato baking event is a blessing because basically it would have been shit – which is what this film is.

Actually I can’t be arsed to write anymore about this film or properly review it…So see above and below for more details.

I’m a big fan of owls – are there any in this film?
Nope. Not even a snow owl 😦

I liked The Dark Crystal, will I like this?
No. Even if you didn’t like The Dark Crystal, the chances of you liking this are still very slim. If you do, then you might want to consider drinking acid or boiling yourself alive.

What’s the best bit?
Probably the bit where he’s doing a BBQ as it made me feel slightly hungry which took my mind off things.

Any dinosaurs or tittay?
There are definitely no dinosaurs. I can kind of understand this as it’s essentially a modern day war film and dinosaurs have been extinct for approximately 65 million years, but still…You would think that the director might have ordered some tits to bring balance to this film. They didn’t, and for me that’s where this film falls down massively, alongside the fact that the script and acting are completely fucking terrible.

What’s the score?
12/100. It’s rubbish. Don’t watch it unless you are bored in work or travelling a very long distance and need to ignore the person sat next to you who keeps trying to talk to you about their work and all you want to do is punch them in the face repeatedly but fear the repercussions from a GBH charge and possibly losing your job, car and house. Actually ignore that as watching this film might make you more angry. Just count sheep or look at clouds and stuff.

Fifty Shades of Shite Review

Who’s in it?
Dakota Johnson, some bloke with all the charisma of a house brick, Rita Ora, a helicopter.

In a nutsack
Man offers lady a contract with the proposal of anally fisting her in his dungeon. Lady falls in love with said man. Absolutely nothing else happens. Then it ends.

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‘Do you want to ride on my chopper’, Christian Grey proposes giving some vertical pleasure to Anastasia Steele.

Review
American psycho Christian Grey is a billionaire who apparently knows people. Actually I can’t be bothered to write anything proper about this film. Anastasia Steele has a really cool original VW Beetle which he fucking sells without her consent and replaces it with a terrible family saloon. I’d be well pissed off if some rich cunt did that to me, and I definitely wouldn’t agree to getting my arse caned in a basement afterwards, billionaire or no billionaire. If you are going to sell my classic VW Beetle and have me agree to BDSM in your play room, then I would want a fucking Apache helicopter, complete with hellfire missiles and a cannon!

Has anyone investigated whether E. L. James has maybe appeared on ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ as a groupie in her past?

Any dinosaurs or tittay
Jurassic Park 4 is going to clean up at the box office this year since no one else seems to be remotely interested in including dinosaurs in their films. Christian Grey is supposed to be a billionaire, right? Then why the fuck hasn’t he tried to recreate dinosaurs using genetic engineering? It gives other billionaire people like John Hammond a bad name. If Grey had a Spinosaurus in his house then this film would be infinitely better. Yes there are tits, but the whole situation is unpleasant and I really don’t think people should treat women like that.

What’s the best bit?
It’s hard to say as it’s all completely pants. I think the bit about twenty minutes in when they ride the helicopter is probably up there as it gives you hope of the possibility that they might crash and die, thus ending the film before you have to endure anymore of this bollocks.

I liked Adventures in Babysitting, will I like this?
No. Adventures in Babysitting is freakin’ awesome. So if you liked that, chances are you are completely normal and haven’t tried to offer a contract to a woman to whip her in your dungeon.

What’s the score?
4/100 – Ummmm, I’m giving it 4 points because I think the cinematography is excellent. Well done to those guys.

American Sniper Review

Who’s in it?
Bradley Cooper, Sienna Miller, Iraq.

In a nutsack
A fat headed Bradley Cooper on roids disowns his family to shoot at people in Iraq, including women and children, racking up over 160 confirmed kills. He then suffers from PTS disorder, almost kills his own dog and gets murdered by a weirdo.

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‘I’m going to KFC lads, you want me to get you a Smarties Krushem?’, Bradley Cooper tries to cool himself down from the desert heat.

Review
Bradley Cooper transforms into all-American hero Chris Kyle for this action packed block buster. Fortunately it’s not directed by Michael Bay, who is a massive cunt and the scourge of modern cinema. I hope he gets eaten by wolves, I really fucking do. Anyways, I’ve gone off topic a bit. Michael Bay has nothing to do with this movie, which is excellent. Personally if I had a choice between staying at home and having sex with a brunette Sienna Miller, or spending 9 months of the year in the desert trying to have phone sex whilst being shot at, I’d probably go for staying at home watching porn with a bag of crisps, beer and some ice cream. That’s just me though. She seems like hard work to be honest and can’t take her booze, poor lass. Anyway, the film goes through the motions a bit. The end is also a bit unrealistic. He shoots a guy in the head from about 2 miles away when all you can see through the scope is some washing drying on a line. It could’ve been someone’s dressing gown you just put a hole in Bradley, you bellend!

Any dinosaurs or tittay
What this film is lacking in, if anything, is a massive fucking Brachiosaurus. With that included, I’m thinking Oscars would most certainly be a given. Unfortunately it falls short in terms of Brachiosaurusness, which means I’ve scored it poorly on the dino front. Sienna Miller is excellent at playing a brunette so tittays away!

What’s the best bit?
The growth of Bradley Cooper’s beard.

I liked Howard the Duck, will I like this?
It’s difficult to say. Howard the Duck and American Sniper are two completely different genres of film. If you like ducks from out of space, why would you not like a fat guy shooting at people from roof tops?

What’s the score?
80/100 – I liked this film. It reminded me a bit of Hurt Locker although Hurt Locker seemed to be more real and less cheesy peas, even though it is fictional. Anyway America is indeed the greatest country on earth, after Argentina and Uganda, which are both really beautiful. Expect American Sniper 2 to be out at Easter if Marvel has anything to do with it.

Paddington

Who’s in it?
Paddington Bear, Nicole Kidman, Doctor Who and that cunt from Downton Abbey.

In a nutsack
Talking Peruvian bear hitches a ride to London in order to forge a career as a panpipe wanker busking on the underground. Just kidding, he’s trying to find himself after his entire family are killed by a massive earthquake. I say ‘entire’, his aged aunty actually survives but clearly wants nothing to do with the ungrateful shit so immediately packs him off to Europe on a ship.

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‘Let’s be honest, it’s a fucking rip off here lad. I could murder a maccies right now’, Paddington contemplates life in the big smoke.

Review
Let me be honest with you. I had a beer before going to the cinema and wasn’t expecting to see this. I then fell asleep after about 30 minutes so it feels a little unfair to review this film but I’ll do my best, dedicated pro that I am. This film is quite graphic in parts, addressing serious issues such as immigration, people trafficking, animal welfare, abduction and beastiality. It definitely shouldn’t be a PG and any child that sees this is likely to end up as the next Ted Bundy. I also found the film extremely confusing. It appears to be set in the current day, and yet that dick from Downton Abbey is in it and he’s from like the 1800’s or something. Anyway, when the bear arrives at Paddington absolutely nobody pays any attention to the fact that there is a wild bear loose in the train station. Surely someone would have called the appropriate authorities to come and shoot the little prick in the neck with a tranquilizer dart, then send him off to some sordid little zoo in Eastern Europe where he will eventually have to be put down for eating an uncontrollable child who accidentally fell into his enclosure. Instead, Downton Abbey and his family decide to take the bear home with them and all kinds of mad shit ensues. I have no idea what though, as I fell asleep. On the plus side it has Nicole Kidman in it, yet again playing a sexy, evil temptress. Nicole’s been getting typecast since her split from Tom Cruise and her labia prolapse. Oh and one of the recent Doctor Who guys is in it, if you like that sort of thing. I don’t. I think Doctor Who is shit.

I liked Castaway with Tom Hanks – will I like this?
Yes, you will absolutely love it.

What’s the best bit?
The bit when I was asleep.

Any dinosaurs or tittay?
I hoped that there would be at least one dinosaur featured in the Peruvian wilderness. That was at least slightly more plausible than a family of talking bears. Alas, there were no fucking dinosaurs anywhere to be seen. I feel it’s a massive opportunity missed by the director, and one they might live to regret once Jurassic Park 4 is released later next year. In so far as tits are concerned, Nicole Kidman’s are well hidden from the creepy gaze of Doctor Who, along with any young children who might be hoping to see a bit of bitty.

What’s the score?
As I said, I only bothered to watch half the film so the most I am willing to give is 50/100. That said, I thought this was a complete smelly poo of a film so I’m giving it 16/100. Kids films just aren’t what they used to be I’m afraid.

Interstellar – Intergalactic marvel, or universal poo sandwich?

Who’s in it?
Matthew McConaughey, Matt Damon, Jessica Chastain, Michael Caine and Gollum (Anne Hathaway). Jessica Chastain has a nose like a ski slope by the way.

In a nutsack
Babbling and incoherent farmer Cooper (played wonderfully well by McConaughey) finds an entire NASA space station in his back garden after sending secret messages to his daughter from behind her bedroom bookshelf via the fifth dimension of space/time – the creepy fucking goat! Cooper goes on to save humanity by flying into a black hole and surviving, ending up in a Bupa clinic without even a fucking scratch. This is clearly against all the known laws of physics. Forgetting that the mass in the black hole would have torn his face off and sucked his every cell into eternal blackness, the NHS would have at least made him wait for an available bed during which time he would have died from space radiation or something.

Without giving too much away, this film is basically pants.

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‘Well this is a bit shit’, McConaughey surveys the barren landscape of another earth.

Review
Once upon a time a film comes along that makes you question your very existence. This is that film. For example, after about 47 minutes I began to question why I had chosen to watch this film instead of throwing myself head first from a five-storey building. There is nothing remotely endearing about this film. It’s boring, absolute turgid bollocks. The script is awful. The acting is laughable and incoherent. The special effects are poor. It has Michael Caine in it. It’s like 168 minutes long or something. Christopher Nolan might have actually created a viable alternative to waterboarding! Put this in front of any would-be terrorist and after listening to McConaughey spout endless nonsensical horseshit about quantum physics in a deep southern drawl, they’ll give up the entire terror cell. There are so many bad bits it’s hard to choose my favourite. Flying for 2 years to get to another planet only to find that Matt Damon is the sole inhabitant must have been a massive disappointment, but imagine how pissed you’d be when you realise he wants to then kill you for absolutely no fucking reason whatsoever. The other classic bit was the landing on the planet with the big waves (even though the sea was a couple of inches deep). Because of the proximity of this planet to the black hole, every hour spent on the planet supposedly equated to 7 years in space. As a result they left their mate back on the spaceship on his own for 24 years…and he was okay with it when they returned! Okay with it. Not even remotely pissed off. Lol. I’d be swinging from the fucking chandeliers if that happened to me! Perhaps the biggest disappointment however is Michael Caine playing the genius/Stephen Hawking-Professor role. It never quite feels plausible given that Caine is nothing more than a disgusting East London chav. In short, and to use the famous Dylan Thomas quote from the film: –

Do not go gentle into that good night (to see Interstellar); Old age should burn during the 168 minutes; Rage, rage against Christopher Nolan.

I liked Jaws 3 – will I like this?
I don’t know, and I couldn’t give a shit. I feel like I’ve been robbed of 3 hours of my life, which probably equates to 24 years in space/time when next to a black hole.

What’s the best bit?
The bit before it starts when you actually think it might be enjoyable.

Any dinosaurs or tittay?
Disappointingly there are no dinosaurs on any of the foreign planets they visit. Is it just me or is this not an ideal situation to have some fucking dinosaurs in your film? Different Galaxy – check. Earth-like planet – check. Dinosaurs on said planet – nada. Silly cunts.

In terms of tits, I believe I have covered this in previous reviews but both Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey provide ample tittage to this appallingly bad, life-draining, tiresome sack of shit.

What’s the score?
24/100. I honestly can’t understand where the positive reviews for this film have come from, unless it was McConaughey himself sending binary messages from inside a black hole in the fifth dimension of space/time. The wanker.